... I'll find my way back home :)

2009年5月29日星期五

上午8:17

Dear Diary,

Blogger is banned in China, and thus I can say whatever I want. I can say whatever I want, 'cause noone here will see it. I can say whatever I want, 'cause without my advertising schemes, this blog truly becomes mine and mine alone. Mine to rant to, mine to 'spill' to. Everything, here, in this blog. Hah :D.

Hm, honestly, I'm thinking about the futility of it all. Making friends and everything. Three consecutive years. Three consecutive years of making friends and having them leave. I'm learning to let go, really, I am, but I guess the withdrawal pains still exist? And, at the same time, I think I'm changing for the worse. I seriously have the feeling that I'm pushing people away. Maybe I'm being over-sensitive, and reading too deeply into their words. I probably don't think I belong, and thus isolate myself to "stop bothering people", when, in reality, these people never thought I was bothering them to begin with. I don't know, am I actually being considerate? Am I hitting it spot-on? Am I right in leaving when I don't think they want me there? Or am I just pushing them away? Am I turning cold and making them think I don't want them? Am I losing friends by shedding my thick-skinnedness?

Ah, I don't know. I don't know why any of this matters. They're going to leave, and then I'm going to be miserable. Miserable that I love them and that I'm not quite sure that they love me back. Come on, I'm sure they do, so many years and it's not like you didn't do a lot for them. But when you compare it to what they've done for you, it seems so tiny. And honestly, I don't want to lose them at this crucial moment. This moment that determines whether or not we'll stay friends when they leave. But then again, just the pain of losing them all. Ah.

Okay, let's cut this short. I'm talking to Steve...

Bye Blogger :)

<3 AIR.

&she loves you :D

AIR.
feb 23rd '93
ycis bj

- gylc!
- learn korean!
- piano merit!
-crystal grand piano :D

Ahmed [Junior]
Ailynn [Daughter]
Alvin
Benjamin [Sumo/Laogong]
Careen [Cousin!]
Chinjie [Chinkie/Pexie]
Darren
Izabel [Bestie xD]
Josh [Cousin!]
Peisu
Renee
Yidan [Twin]
Yi-min
Zhengyi [Furrybear]
Zhongren [Mom]

designer joy.deprived
fonts&brushes x x x
images x
image hosting x
software
Adobe Photoshop CS3, Macromedia Dreamweaver 8.0

- SPECIAL THANKS TO AHMED FOR HELPING WITH THE LAYOUT.